He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
