I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
