Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
