They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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