Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize