I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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