how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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