My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
