what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
