The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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