A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
