separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
