Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
