They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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