I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
