he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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