I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
