I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
