did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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