my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
