Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
