On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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