the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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