i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I wish you could order shots online.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
