We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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