1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
