I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
