Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
