I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
