Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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