And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
