ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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