walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
