If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We have started to decorate penises.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
