No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
