i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
