so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
