we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
