Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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