If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
