just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
