just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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