I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
