i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Holy sore nipples Batman
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
