saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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