you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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