My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
