Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
