so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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