This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
