After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
