Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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