Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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