I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
