Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
