I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
ok first of all what the fuck
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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