My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
