sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize