Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
