I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
